Thursday, 28 September 2017

The Fog Has Lifted?


Oh Hai, 

Do you know how many blog posts I have started and not completed this past couple of months? Six. Six half written blog posts that started with the best of intentions and then either the motivation slipped away, I chickened out or I just felt it wasn't good enough. 


I wanted tonight to write a blog post just to say Hi, let you know how I'm feeling where I'm at, no big deal. Sometimes when you leave something for too long, it becomes a frightening thing that you struggle to get back into and I think that's what's happened here. I've made it a 'thing'. 

I'm un-'thinging' it. This is my blog, my space, my slice of internet to muse about crap and junk and not care too much. If I wanted to be super crazy serious I'd write a book....oh wait. That's not to say I don't think other blogs are serious by the way, I just think I need to stop placing so much intensity on mine. It's not a 'money-making' platform (I do the odd sponsored post but it isn't a main source of income), I don't currently heavily promote it and it's not my most current thing (you know, like how insta stories are all the rage). But, this blog was my first. My big step into the online world and the start of it all so it deserves some respect for that. 

I love this blog. Love tiptapping on the keys. I love the bones of it as they say up north. Does anyone here say that??

So, lately it feels as though a fog has lifted. I don't want to jinx it and am acutely aware that this could change any moment but for the past ten days or so, I've felt myself and that's felt good. I've been able to work hard, to arrange social things, to enjoy vlogging and to be more exciting as a Mum to my six year old.

Pregnancy is a crazy fox to tame. Your body is under strain, your mind is full of all sorts and your hormones are all over the shop. The first three months were fairly standard with nausea and exhaustion but what has hit me hardest has been the mental effects. I have felt so down, so flat and so lost. 

I'm generally a very chipper person, always looking on the bright side and always managing a bit of get-up-and-go but since finding out I was pregnant, that seems to have hugely dissipated and I've been left feeling like I'm loosing it. I started to suspect I perhaps had mild pre-natal-depression and spoke to some of my good friends about it. A couple (Jessica and Emma I'm looking at you) were fantastic and one, rather painfully, not to nice at all. 

A week later (after failing to bring myself to talk to my midwife at our appointment), Liam and I took Darcy to the park to collect conkers and whilst she played on the swings, I sat on a bench (with a hand bag full of conkers) and cried my eyes out. Full, snotty, heaving cry in a public place with no tissues to hand-yay and you'll be glad to know, my gloves were machine washable! I told Liam how low I felt, how shit as a mother and girlfriend and general human I felt and how I feared I would never recover. 

Liam said, 'I think you're really suffering and I'm here for you'. I didn't sit on that park bench and feel jubilant but I did feel like a weight was off my shoulders. 

It is very hard to admit you're not feeling well but when you do, it's such a relief. 

After bench-gate, I decided to take it day by day. I mentioned how I felt to my stepmum Tina and she was very kind. Emma was a constant support and Jessica showed great care. Liam let me take my problems and give them to him. I had a bit of a team. 

Emma and Jessica suggested I speak to my GP or midwife (as did Liam actually) but each day, I started to feel a bit more 'me'. I kept thinking, 'Oh wow it's nice to have a good day' or 'Oooh I haven't cried or obsessed or frantically fretted today'. I started to be able to watch programmes and not think it would happen to me or Darcy (I would watch something with any violence or trauma and couldn't get it out of my head that it was fiction), I stopped having nightmares. 

Now, it's been about a week and a half. It's not a 'oh hooray that thing has 100% gone forever' but just having this 10 days has reminded me of who I am and reminded me that even if that fog descends again, I'll be back. Having the support of my main people and being encouraged to reach out to the Dr if I need to has also been hugely comforting to me. 

There's no big hurrah to this update. No big life lesson other than to say, there were quite a few rubbish days but lately, the fog has lifted and it's been good. Long may it continue! 

If you have felt like me, for whatever reason (pregnancy related or not), speak to someone. I know that's so cliche and boring but after 24 weeks of not really saying much, when I did, it REALLY has a positive impact. 

Feel free to comment below with your thoughts on this post, I'd love to hear them. 

Big Loves, 

Toodlepip!

Louise xx





21 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you're starting to feel more 'yourself' again. I can't even imagine how much pressure you must feel to keep it 'together', not only because of your internet presence but also as a mum to Darcy. Letting people know that you feel shit is so helpful. Sending lots of love

    Steph - www.nourishmeblog.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
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      BREAKUP REHAB ( AWESOME TRUE STORY )

      I am Brian Donald and this is my testimony. In September 18th 2017, my girlfriend Maggie called it a quit to our 6 years relationship. it was pathetic, i tried to calm her down but she insisted on breakup because she has met another nice guy in Sydney. the pain was too-much for me to bear, so i went online to look for help then i saw a blog about this powerful spell caster from USA called Dr. Ugo Wonders. i read alot of testimonies about him but i was not too sure if he could help me because i was living in Australia but i decided to give him a try. i emailed him all about my relationship problem and my fear for distance, he assured me not to worry that distance is not a barrier and that the wind blows, so shall my help locate me in 24 hours.i trusted him by his words at once and followed his instructions. Immediately after 24 hours of casting the spell as he instructed me, my girlfriend who left me to be with another man came back home to me and started begging me forgiveness. i was shocked, surprised and amazed and i was like "wow" it worked like a magic. this is the reason i decided to share this my wonderful testimony with the whole world to contact this world classified spell caster called Dr. Ugo for any relationship or breakup issues via his email generalspelltemple@gmail.com or call his mobile number +13863369876 website: http://generalspelltempleblog.wordpress.com

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  2. It's so refreshing to read a post that's just honest, far too often we all gloss over the 'negatives' as such, I've done it myself and recently have regretted doing so as I gave birth to a little boy 2 months ago and only put out the positive posts and the highly edited photos when, in actual fact it's bloody hard and most days I wake up with yesterday's makeup on, I won't lie I've worn the same makeup 2 days in a row hahah, welcome to reality. Thank you for being honest though Louise, this will make others realise that pregnancy isn't always sunshine and rainbows like we all like to make out it is xxx

    Sophiejc.blogspot.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
  3. So glad you write with such honesty. It's good to let others know that it's ok to be down and there's a light on the other side with help and support. It's important to open up so that we all know we are not alone. Sending love and happy vibes.

    Steph x
    www.wanderlustpulse.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm so glad you're feeling better Louise, much love xx

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  5. Love how honest you are, keep doing you - because we love it! xx

    ReplyDelete
  6. Great post Louise. We were talking in work the other day (community mental health) about how important it is for midwives and health visitors to ask open questions at routine ante-natal visits that may pick up on a woman who can't bring herself to come out and say how's she's feeling. From my memory they are quite functional and related to physical health and I know everyone is pushed for time but it's so important to try to get a holistic view of the woman and baby.

    I'm glad things have turned a corner for you, if things get hard again you'll be able to look back and see that feelings change, often for the better.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I went years without admitting anything and in my final year of university I couldn't handle it anymore and cried a lot. I ended up going to counselling at my local Mind and it was the most amazing thing I have ever done. I found the root of my problems and now know what to do to keep myself calm or to bring back a little bit of control to a bad situation. It is the worst feeling in the world and you can feel all alone, but just know that there is an amazingly strong person behind it all! Love this blog post so much! Xxx

    ReplyDelete
  8. Take one day at a time, I'm pleased to read that things are slowly turning a corner for you. Such an open and honest post, loved it.

    Jess
    www.liljess.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am so glad you're starting to feel more like yourself again and you have good people around you to talk to, it's so important to be able to talk about these things. Also totally hear and say 'love the bones of' all the time haha!xx

    Hannah | luxuryblush

    ReplyDelete
  10. Louise,
    Firstly I want to say thank you for being brave and an inspiration to so many women who suffer in silence. I must admit this post made me emotional because I hate it when I snot cry without tissues. *jokes* . No but seriously the way you shared your team support and letting down your guard, to let them help you is the first step. I love the way you expressed how much a "weight" had been lifted off after you did this. It's so true. It breaks my heart to think of women going through this in silence. 4ish years ago, I had pre and post natal but not with my first or second with my third child my son. The day I found out I came home to tell my husband, he knew something wasn't right was the day he shared that he lost his job also. It's a longer story which I am happy to tell you via PM, but when you feel like that life feels hard enough to cope, get up, put on a brave face for the family you have and love. I believe in those times are the times you see the real people who love you for you. Not the ones you chase after for support but the ones who show up, without question.it sounds like you have found that amazing support and been wise in how you have handled it. Loved this post, please do more. ��Love Kate xoxo p.s you mentioned you had a bag full of conkers? What are those I am an Aussie, some kind of biscuit?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh my god when you said you watch tv and worry that the things you watch might happen to you and your daughter I had such a pang! I do think it's super common in pregnancy - and post actually. Because having a child is such a momentous thing, and it brings this huge fear into your life that you've never experienced before. And I think a lot of people admonish themselves for feeling like that, and berate themselves for being dramatic, when really they should be honest about it and get some support, or even just confirmation that other women feel the same. I went through it big time when I was pregnant, and after my daughter was born, and it took some time to get my head round it. It took me 18 months to admit that I had huge anxiety over irrational things, and once I did it was like suddenly I could look back and see that it had been there all the time, while I'd been ignoring it and bluffing my way through it. I'm rambling now so I'll shut up, but it's good that you've said it, and great that you're feeling better with it now. Actually, my mum always said a good heaving sobbing session is a great stress relief and she was right!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Great post girl, write whatever you feel!

    Briana
    https://beyoutifulbrunette.com/

    ReplyDelete
  13. I think everyone has 'seasons of anxiety' Louise - I'm just coming out of one myself now (have been in it since June) but can only imagine your pregnancy has completely exasperated this! Glad you're feeling better!

    https://lizziedailyblog.blogspot.co.uk/

    ReplyDelete
  14. This is such a lovely post, and definitely one you should look back on when the 'fog' reappears! It is so nice to see a new post on your blog, this is where I first discovered you, and I think where I will always remember you from. Keep smiling Louise, soon you'll have a beautiful little baby!

    Abi | abistreetx

    ReplyDelete
  15. This is the best and honest blog post I've read in a long time - write how you feel and be honest about it, keeps your space on the internet kind, refreshing and honest - I'm glad your starting to feel yourself Louise. - its lovely to see that your opening up about stuff like this, makes everyone including yourself to see your not alone and never will or have been. x

    https://chloebconway.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  16. Great post! Well done for speaking up about how you've been feeling Louise!

    www.upyourvlog.com

    ReplyDelete
  17. Clairethemamabear2 October 2017 at 16:54

    Lou, I know how hard that must have been for you to admit, I'm exactly the same, but doesn't it feel so good to unload? Pls, if there's one thing I've learnt, never ever suffer in silence! it nearly led me to do smth stupid 14yrs ago!!! im glad the shock pushed me into seeing my gp. Keeping talking hunni, it will get easier, I promise. I'm very proud of you xx

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